What Does Belonging Really Feel Like?

Continue the Conversation

What does belonging really feel like?

Is it being welcomed into a room? Having people around you who understand you? Feeling part of a community? Knowing that someone would notice if you weren't there?

Or is belonging something much harder to describe?

We often talk about belonging as though it's something we either have or don't have. A place, a group, a community or an identity.

But perhaps belonging isn't simply about where we are or who we're with.

Perhaps it's about how much of ourselves we feel able to bring into those spaces.

Because being included and genuinely feeling that we belong aren't necessarily the same thing.

We can be invited into a room and still feel like an outsider. We can be part of a team without feeling understood. We can be surrounded by people and still feel disconnected.

And sometimes we become so accustomed to adapting ourselves to fit in that we stop noticing we're doing it.

One question from this episode of The Third Conversation feels particularly worth exploring:

If we have to change who we are to fit in, do we really belong?

If this conversation made you think about identity, connection, community or the spaces where you feel most yourself, here are some ways to keep exploring.

Read

Braving the Wilderness — Brené Brown
Explores what it means to truly belong, the courage to stand alone and the difference between fitting in and being accepted for who we are.

Belonging — bell hooks
A collection of reflections exploring identity, place, community, race and the complex relationship between where we come from and where we feel at home.

The Art of Community — Charles Vogl
Explores how meaningful communities are created and sustained through shared values, connection, belonging and intentional relationships.

The Culture Map — Erin Meyer
An exploration of how cultural differences influence communication, expectations and relationships, particularly relevant to belonging within diverse workplaces and communities.

Together — Vivek H. Murthy
Explores loneliness, human connection and why meaningful relationships are fundamental to our wellbeing.

Listen

On Being with Krista Tippett
Thoughtful conversations about identity, community, relationships and what connects us as human beings.

The Happiness Lab with Dr Laurie Santos
Selected episodes explore relationships, social connection, loneliness and the things that genuinely contribute to wellbeing.

Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel
Conversations exploring relationships, identity, connection and the ways we navigate being ourselves alongside others.

Watch

The Power of Vulnerability — Brené Brown (TEDxHouston)
A reminder of the relationship between vulnerability, authenticity and meaningful human connection.

How to Overcome Our Biases? Walk Boldly Toward Them — Verna Myers (TED)
Explores unconscious bias, difference and the importance of moving towards people rather than away from them.

The Danger of a Single Story — Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (TED)
A powerful exploration of identity, assumptions and what happens when we reduce people to a single narrative.

Try Something

Think about the places where you feel most comfortable being yourself. What do those spaces have in common?

Notice when you change your behaviour, language or opinions depending on who you're with. Is that a natural part of adapting to different situations, or do you feel you're hiding something important?

Reach out to someone who has helped you feel that you belong. Tell them what their presence or actions have meant to you.

The next time you're part of a group, notice who might be on the edges of the conversation. Could you help them feel more included without putting them on the spot?

Ask someone “Where do you feel most like yourself?” and really listen to their answer.

Think about your workplace, community or social circles. Are there unspoken expectations about what someone needs to be like to fit in?

And perhaps spend a little less time trying to belong everywhere, and a little more time nurturing the relationships and spaces where you already feel accepted.

Take a Moment to Reflect

Where do I feel I truly belong?

Who are the people I can be completely myself around?

Have I ever changed or hidden parts of myself to fit in?

What's the difference between being included and feeling that I belong?

How have my experiences, identity or culture shaped my sense of belonging?

When have I felt like an outsider — and what made that experience difficult?

Do I make assumptions about where other people feel they belong?

What can I do to help somebody else feel seen, accepted and valued?

And perhaps most importantly:

Am I trying to fit into spaces that don't allow me to be myself?

Continue the Conversation

There's one question from this episode that I'd love you to take into your own conversations:

Complete the sentence: “I know I belong when…”

I don't have to explain myself?
Someone notices I'm missing?
My differences are welcomed?
I can be myself without judgement?
I feel connected to something bigger than me?
Something else entirely?

Ask a friend, colleague, family member or someone from a different generation how they would finish that sentence.

You might discover that belonging means something quite different to them.

And perhaps that's part of the challenge.

We can't create a sense of belonging for others if we assume it feels the same for everyone.

If you'd like to share your reflections more widely, continue the conversation using #TheThirdConversation.

Because the conversations that change us rarely happen first.