Continue the Conversation
There are countless books about parenting.
Advice about routines, sleep, feeding, behaviour, development and all the things we're apparently supposed to know.
But what about the things we don't necessarily talk about?
The changes to our identity.
The pressure to balance work and family.
The relationships that evolve.
The support we discover we need.
The unexpected challenges that make us question everything we thought we knew.
And the realisation that the child we're raising is their own person, with their own needs, experiences and future.
In this episode of The Third Conversation, Sarah Coward, Katy Cockburn and Julie Matthews explore parenting through three different experiences of family life.
Their conversation takes us from career changes and childcare to mental health, learning disabilities, family diversity, support networks and the many different ways we adapt as our children grow.
Something that stands out is just how much of parenting involves responding to circumstances we couldn't possibly have predicted.
And how often we compare ourselves with an idea of what parenting should look like, rather than recognising the reality of our own families.
Perhaps the thing nobody tells us about parenting is that there isn't one version we can get completely right.
Here are some ways to keep exploring the questions raised in this episode.
Read
The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) — Philippa Perry
Explores how our own childhood experiences and emotional responses can influence the way we relate to children. Particularly relevant to the discussion about what we inherit from our parents and what we might choose to do differently.
The Gardener and the Carpenter — Alison Gopnik
Challenges the idea that parenting is about shaping children into a particular outcome. An interesting companion to the conversation about recognising children as individuals rather than extensions of ourselves.
The Whole-Brain Child — Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
Explores children's emotional development and offers practical approaches to understanding and responding to behaviour. A useful starting point for thinking about how we support children through different stages.
Good Inside — Dr Becky Kennedy
Explores the pressures of parenting, connection, boundaries and the idea that parents and children can experience difficult moments without those moments defining them.
Far from the Tree — Andrew Solomon
An exploration of families raising children whose identities and experiences differ from their parents' expectations. Particularly relevant to questions about acceptance, individuality and belonging.
Listen
The Parenting Hell Podcast — Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe
A humorous and often very honest look at the everyday realities of parenting, including the chaos, frustrations and unexpected joys.
Parenting for Humans — Dr Emma Svanberg
Conversations exploring the emotional realities of parenting, the pressures placed on parents and the importance of recognising their own needs.
Good Inside with Dr Becky
Practical discussions about children's emotional lives, parental expectations and navigating difficult moments with greater understanding.
The Third Conversation — What Makes a Conversation Feel Safe?
An opportunity to revisit the importance of listening without judgement, especially when someone is sharing an experience different from our own.
Watch
Every Kid Needs a Champion — Rita Pierson (TED)
A reminder of the power of relationships, encouragement and believing in children. Particularly relevant to the importance of connection and the adults who make children feel valued.
Do Schools Kill Creativity? — Sir Ken Robinson (TED)
An invitation to think differently about children's individuality, development and the expectations we place on them.
The Power of Vulnerability — Brené Brown (TEDx)
Explores vulnerability, connection and the courage to be imperfect. Relevant to the pressure parents can feel to have everything under control.
Explore
SEND a Welcome: https://www.sendawelcome.co.uk
A community-led initiative working to make activities and opportunities more inclusive for people with learning disabilities and their families. Julie discusses how the organisation grew from parents recognising barriers and wanting to create positive change.
Mini First Aid: https://northsomerset.minifirstaid.co.uk
Baby and child first aid education, including courses for parents, grandparents and caregivers. Katie discusses how her experience in nursing and family life influenced her career change.
Your Best Mind Hypnotherapy: https://www.yourbestmind.co.uk
Sarah's practice supporting adults and young people with their mental wellbeing.
Try Something
Parenting can become so focused on the practical things that we don't always make space to reflect on the bigger questions.
Here are a few ways to continue the conversation.
Think about the advice you inherited.
What did the adults in your life teach you about parenting, either through what they said or what they did?
Which parts have you carried forward?
Which parts have you chosen to approach differently?
Have a conversation about the invisible work.
If you share parenting or caring responsibilities, talk about the things each person does that might not always be noticed.
Who remembers appointments, school activities, friendships, emotional needs and everything else that keeps family life moving?
Reach out to another parent or caregiver.
Think of somebody who might be navigating a different stage or experience of parenting.
Rather than offering advice, ask how they're doing.
And really listen.
Notice what your child is teaching you.
Think about a time when a child challenged your assumptions, introduced you to something new or helped you see the world differently.
What did you learn?
Make space for the person beyond the parent.
What is something you enjoy that isn't connected to your responsibilities as a parent or caregiver?
Could you make a little time for it this week?
Question what normal means.
Think about the different family structures, needs and experiences within your community.
Are there assumptions we make about what families should look like?
What could make your school, workplace or community more welcoming to different families?
Ask someone from another generation.
What do they think has changed most about parenting?
What do they wish they'd known?
And what do they think we might be getting right today?
Take a Moment to Reflect
What did I imagine parenting would be like?
How has the reality differed from my expectations?
What has parenting taught me about myself?
How have my priorities changed over time?
Do I sometimes compare my family with an unrealistic idea of normal?
What expectations do I place on myself?
Who do I turn to when things feel difficult?
Do I find it easy to ask for help?
What have I learnt from my own parents or caregivers?
What have I consciously chosen to do differently?
Do I recognise my children as individuals with their own experiences and needs?
How has parenting influenced my work, relationships or identity?
What do I wish people understood about my family's experience?
Are the communities around us genuinely inclusive of different families?
Do I make enough room for joy?
And perhaps most importantly:
What would change if we stopped expecting ourselves to get parenting right all the time?
Continue the Conversation
At the end of the episode, we asked each guest to complete the same sentence:
“The thing I wish every new parent knew is…”
The answers were different, but there were some shared themes.
Trusting ourselves.
Recognising that children develop differently.
Adapting when life changes.
Learning through the difficult moments.
And remembering to enjoy the experience, even when it doesn't look quite how we imagined.
Of course, these aren't questions only parents can answer.
Our understanding of family is shaped by the people who raised us, the communities we belong to and the experiences we carry into adulthood.
So perhaps this is a conversation worth having across generations.
Ask a parent what surprised them most.
Ask a grandparent what they would do differently.
Ask someone who grew up in a different family structure what they wish others understood.
And if you're a parent yourself, perhaps ask your children what they think adults don't understand about being a child.
Because the best conversations don't always begin with advice.
Sometimes they begin with curiosity.
Complete the sentence: “The thing I wish every new parent knew is…”
And see where the conversation takes you.
Share your reflections using #TheThirdConversation.
Because the conversations that change us rarely happen first.